Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
