some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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