If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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