I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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