u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
