the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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