I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
