you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
