There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
