And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
