I cannot find my penis.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
