he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
