My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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