I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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