Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
