there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
