Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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