bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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