Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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