so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
