You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
