I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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