My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
