Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
