Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
