DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
