I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
