Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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