y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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