I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
