Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
