I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
