Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
