low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
