I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
