if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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