he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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