How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't put those talents on a resume
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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