Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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