I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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