And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
