Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
