I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
