It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
