Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
