it wasn't lemon gatorade
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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