Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Two words: nipple clamps
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