Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
