I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
