i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
