The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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