last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
