Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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