made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
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It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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