I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's shark week go big or go home
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
