My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
