At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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