got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am never drinking with the goths again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
