your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
