Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
