My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
