im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.