Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
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Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?