turn off your phone and go to bed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice