Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
