im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
