I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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